Amnesia 7/Amnesia - Issue 07 (1991-11-23)(Eclipse).adf/text/jokesI

Text File | 1989-05-09 | 16.0 KB | 476 lines

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
============================================


   Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
   After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
   topics, these facts have emerged.


Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned
on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit
laughter from women.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He
buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes.  Five minutes later she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day.

Leg Warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any
time she wants.  A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning
for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That
must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women
wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the
back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless.


Eating out:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and
ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I recognize
that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic
equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video
games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The
man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things:  money, football, and
women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in
abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.  Men
use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man.  The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic (not our Victor, of course!).


=====================================================================



             The More Complete Set of Blonde Jokes
             =====================================

  Q:      What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
  A:      Gifted!

  Q:      What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair
          brunette?
  A:      Artificial intelligence.

  Q:      Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
  A:      You can park in the handicap zone.

  Q:      Why is a blonde like a turtle?
  A:      They both get f*cked up when they're on their back.

  Q:      How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
  A:      Shine a flashlight in their ear.

  Q:      Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
  A:      It takes too long to retrain them.

  Q:      Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
  A:      (With a rocking of the head from side to side)
          I dunno!

  Q:      How do you kill a blonde?
  A:      Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

  Q:      Why don't blondes eat Jello?
  A:      They can't figure out how to get two cups of water
          into those little packages.

  Q:      Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
  A:      They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

  Q:      Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
  A:      Because red means stop.

  Q:      Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
  A:      Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

  Q:      Why do blondes wear underwear?
  A:      They make good ankle warmers.

  Q:      What's the mating call of the blonde?
  A:      "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

  Q:      What's the mating call of the brunette?
  A:      "All the blondes have gone home!"

  Q:      What's the mating call of the redhead?
  A:      "Next!"

  Q:      Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods
          and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
  A:      Because they can spell it.

  Q:      Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
  A:      Toes go in first.

  Q:      Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
  A:      Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first.

  Q:      What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
          attractive?
  A:      Her ankles.

  Q:      What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
  A:      "Have another beer."

  Q:      What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
  A:      An interpreter.

  Q:      What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
  A1:     Introduces themself.
  A2:     Walks home.

  Q:      What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
  A:      Opens the car door.

  Q:      Why do blondes have more fun?
  A:      Because they don't know any better.

  Q:      How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
  A:      There's white-out on the screen.

  Q:      What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
  A:      You only have to punch information into a computer once.

  Q:      What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
  A:      You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
          they go down on you.

  Q:      How does a blonde part their hair?
  A:      (Action of scissoring legs apart)

  Q:      What does a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
  A:      They both have a black box.

  Q:      Why do blondes like tilt steering?
  A:      More head room.

  Q:      Why don't blondes eat pickles?
  A:      Because they can't get their head in the jar.

  Q:      Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
  A:      Because you wash vegetables there!

  Q:      What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
  A:      "Thanks for the refill!"

  Q:      Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
  A:      To see what was on the other side.


  A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
  says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".  The blonde stops,
  looks up, and says, "Where?"


  A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving
  the wrong way on a one-way street.

  Cop:  Do you know where you were going?
  Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
  people were leaving.

  Q:      What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
  A:      (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

  Q:      How do blondes pierce their ears?
  A:      They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

  Q:      How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip
          cookies?
  A:      Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the
          smarties.

  Q:      What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling
          ball?
  A:      You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

  Q:      What is the difference between a blonde and "The
          Titanic"?
  A:      They know how many men went down on "The
          Titanic".

  Q:      How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
  A:      She threw it off a cliff.

  Q:      Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished
          her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
  A:      Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

  Q:      What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
  A:      "Nice tits!"

  Q:      How does a blonde high-5?
  A:      She smacks herself in the forehead.

  Q:      Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
  A:      Because when they do the splits, they stick to the
          floor.

  Q:      Why do blondes wear their hair up?
  A:      To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

  Q:      How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
  A:      A 69 interrupted by a period.

  Q:      How do you brainwash a blonde?
  A:      Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

  Q:      What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
  A:      A dope ring.

  Q:      Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
          around and come home?

  A:      It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking
          was a television.

  Q:      What to do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
  A:      Pull the pin and throw it back.

  Q:      How is a screen door and a blonde the same?
  A:      The more you bang it the looser it gets.